“I don’t understand it. That’s why I’m here.“
(Netflix’s “You,” 7th episode.)
“What don’t you understand?” the psychologist replies.
“Love,” Joe Goldberg answers.
“You and seven billion other people on this planet. If we understood love, I’d be out of a job,” the psychologist responds with a laugh.
With all due respect to Netflix’s imaginary psychologists, I believe a basic understanding of love is universally embedded within our inherent human logic, transcending any religious worldview. Since love transcends mere feelings, it cannot remain merely a theoretical or abstract concept. As a theologian—and particularly as a male theologian—I am drawn to understand things from a logical standpoint. I suppose many of you already know that the term “theology” derives from the Greek theologia, a combination of theos (‘God’) and logia (‘utterances, reasoning, oracles, understanding, logic’). Therefore, a Theology of Love should offer some sort of basic logical explanation of the essence of love, one that I believe is inherent in every human regardless of religious worldview. I, therefore, would like to offer a basic logical explanation.
Love is undoubtedly multifaceted and complex, yet at its core, I believe it can be logically distilled into three fundamental components: Intimacy and safety, free will, and sacrifice.
Love Embraces Intimacy and Ensures Safety.
In Biblical Hebrew, to “know” someone implies emotional, mental, spiritual, or physical closeness—often a combination of these aspects. Thus, love is fundamentally about intimacy, proximity, and closeness. We intentionally draw near to those we trust and feel safe with. Being in a relationship with someone fundamentally involves a form of closeness that transcends mere physical proximity. It entails a profound understanding and deep knowledge of them, characterized by a consistent presence and support, especially in pivotal moments, to make them feel safe and cared for. This concept of closeness means being attuned to the other’s feelings, fears, needs, desires, and challenges. For instance, a parent’s love for their child is not merely about physical care or occasional communication, like sending letters. True parental love involves knowing your child, being emotionally available and supportive, and ensuring a dependable presence, particularly during times of crisis. Such intimacy creates bonds that are supportive during easy times and resilient in the face of adversity.
An ancient proverb states, “Knowledge without practice is useless.” Similarly, a God who embodies love would not simply declare His love in words; instead, He would actively seek to reveal Himself and demonstrate His love through tangible actions. This principle is evident from the very beginning of the Bible. In the creation story, God was not passive, distant, or detached from His creation. On the contrary, He was intimately involved, covering Adam and Eve’s shame, and continued to pursue them even after they were expelled from the Garden of Eden.
Following creation, God chose to dwell among unpure Israel (Leviticus 26:11-12) and later fully revealed Himself to Israel through the physical incarnation of Jesus Christ. In Jesus, God not only sympathized but also empathized with us (Hebrews 4:15), illustrating His desire for intimacy, proximity, closeness, and a will to keep us safe, evident by healing people and protecting the outcast.
We have all heard the tragic stories of neglected children who are unwanted by their parents due to some perceived flaw. Our heavenly Father, however, does not withdraw from us because of our imperfections; rather, He seeks closeness with those He loves, particularly those often deemed broken or unlovable. Likewise, the Biblical Hebrew word for “sacrifice” (QORBAN) is derived from the Hebrew word QAROB, meaning “to be close by,” illustrating that to sacrifice for someone is to draw near to them and cover for them. This dynamic of closeness, protection, and sacrifice underscores the depth and commitment of love.
Love is a decision of a Free Will.
Free will has been a cornerstone of scripture from its very beginning.1 Love cannot exist without free will. Compelling someone to love is impossible and contrary to basic inherent human understanding. Love must be a voluntary choice. Forced love or a demand for love driven by fear leads to antagonism and resentment, not genuine affection. Unless fear-driven, very few people would willingly follow someone who threatens them and coerces them into “loving” them. Typically, we are drawn to love those who exhibit specific qualities that draw us, such as kindness, compassion, forgiveness, generosity, gentleness, empathy, respect, patience, and other attributes Jesus embodied.
Free will also necessitates safety because true freedom of choice can only be exercised in an environment where individuals are secure from harm and undue coercion. Without safety, decisions are influenced by fear, threats, and survival instincts, undermining the authenticity of one’s choices. Ensuring safety allows people to freely explore and express themselves without the fear of negative repercussions, thus enabling genuine free will. This security fosters a society where individuals can make informed, voluntary decisions, which is the essence of true freedom.
Regrettably, however, some depictions within Christianity present God as a harsh, punitive moral monster, quick to condemn those who do not meet strict standards. These fear-driven images, distorting the true nature of divine love and God’s character, are evident in many new and old Christian preaching and theological writings,2 as well as evident in the historical religious conflicts and horrors that took place in the name of God.
As an analogy, consider how a pet, if it trusts you, might choose to draw close and eventually relax on your lap. This behavior stems from a sense of trust and safety, not coercion. Similarly, trust, like love, requires free will. You cannot force someone to trust you. Likewise, God does not compel us to trust or love Him; instead, He invites us to explore who He is and choose Him based on His attributes, such as goodness, kindness, and generosity. God consistently grants humans the freedom to believe in Him, highlighting the essential role of free will in our relationship with Him.
Loved by many, the great late C.S. Lewis wrote on free will:
God created things which had free will. That means creatures which can go wrong or right. Some people think they can imagine a creature which was free but had no possibility of going wrong, but I can’t. If a thing is free to be good, it’s also free to be bad. And free will is what has made evil possible. Why, then, did God give them free will? Because free will, though it makes evil possible, is also the only thing that makes possible any love or goodness or joy worth having. A world of automata — of creatures that worked like machines — would hardly be worth creating. The happiness which God designs for His higher creatures is the happiness of being freely, voluntarily united to Him and to each other in an ecstasy of love and delight compared with which the most rapturous love between a man and a woman on this earth is mere milk and water. And for that, they’ve got to be free.
C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, pp 47-48.
If the topic of free will intrigues you, I delve deeper into the concept in my book—often a thorn in the side for Calvinists—titled, “Free Will and Christianity: You or God—Who’s Really Buying This Book?“.
Love is Sacrificial.
Sacrifice is echoed in various human experiences. For example, we consume living organisms for sustenance—plants and animals must die so that we may live. As parents or grandparents, we resonate with the necessity of self-sacrifice for the well-being of our children.
Helen Fisher, a Ph.D. in biological anthropology, researched how the brain reacts when thinking about or speaking of a loved one. She concluded every interview with the question: “Would you die for them?” Fisher noted, “These people would say ‘Yes!’ as if I had asked them to pass the salt.“3 This response underscores a universal truth: when we truly care for and love someone, we are prepared to make sacrifices, even to the extent of risking our lives for them.
Sacrifice is a multifaceted concept in relationships. For example, it can mean exposing yourself to risk in order to protect a loved one, or when a loved one feels cold, we might offer our own body heat to warm them, reflecting the sentiment found in Ecclesiastes 4:11. Conversely, when we harbor negative feelings towards someone, we tend to withdraw our willingness to make sacrifices for them. Sacrifice can manifest in various forms—time, comfort, energy, or resources—and the deeper our care, the more we are prepared to endure hardship for the sake of those we love. This willingness to sacrifice is poignantly illustrated when parents express a desire to bear their children’s illnesses themselves. This readiness to sacrifice is not limited to human relationships. Consider a dog protecting its owner from perceived threats during a walk, ready to sacrifice its life for its owner’s safety. Similarly, we often find ourselves willing to sacrifice for those we love or for causes we believe in.
Recognizing sacrifice’s foundational role as an aspect of love is crucial because sacrifice is the practical application of love; it translates affection and care into tangible acts that affirm the value and dignity of others. This is starkly evident in the biblical narrative, where sacrifice is central to both Old and New Testament teachings. The Old Testament is replete with accounts of sacrifices made to God—an acknowledgment of His sovereignty, thanksgiving, and a means to atone—to clean up the mess caused by human wrongdoing. However, in the New Testament, the concept of sacrifice reaches its zenith in the person of Jesus Christ, whose life and death epitomize the ultimate sacrificial love. Sacrifice, therefore, is a fundamental aspect of love and a vivid reflection of the gospel’s message: the depiction of a Savior willing to sacrifice His own life to demonstrate God’s profound love for us.
Sacrifice extends beyond life-saving acts. Jesus taught us to weave sacrifice into our daily lives, even in seemingly minor ways. When He urged us to “walk an extra mile” (Matthew 5:41), He advocated for going beyond the minimum, sacrificing our time and energy for the benefit of others. For instance, if you work at a supermarket and assist an elderly lady with her groceries or offer her a ride home when her car doesn’t start, you embody this principle. Essentially, sacrifice—as exemplified by Christ—should be the underlying attitude and motivating force for every disciple of Christ. Just imagine what a world where everyone practiced sacrificial love for one another would look like.
Sacrifice is the basis of community
Dr. Jordan Peterson
Much like Jordan Peterson, I came to believe that a healthy society is one that sacrifices. To sacrifice is to willingly endure loss, pain, or suffering for the sake of the betterment of others. Therefore, sacrifice serves as a moral compass for society, embodying selflessness and altruism. It establishes a standard of behavior that prioritizes the collective good over individual desires. When individuals are willing to sacrifice their own interests for the benefit of others, it fosters empathy, cooperation, and solidarity within communities. Moreover, the act of sacrifice challenges societal norms that prioritize self-centeredness, hyper-individualism, and materialism, encouraging a shift towards values of compassion and service. By upholding sacrifice as a virtue, societies cultivate a culture of empathy and mutual support, laying the foundation for a more equitable and harmonious coexistence. Therefore, sacrificial love must be the basis of any community, especially a Christian one.
For a society—or a church—to embody selflessness, the transformation must start with its individuals. Sacrifices can manifest in subtle yet impactful ways, such as making an emotional decision. For instance, if a disagreement strains a friendship, repairing it might involve setting aside your pride and forgiving the other person, even if they have spoken out of turn. Although forgiveness comes at no monetary cost to the recipient, it requires the one who forgives to pay the price of their ego and perhaps their honor. These seemingly minor acts are pivotal in fostering a more harmonious community.
Christian Love
This logical breakdown helps us grasp the doctrine of Christian redemption known as “the Gospel.” God’s love seeks closeness without infringing on one’s free will. It is love willing to endure suffering and sacrifice everything, even life itself, to protect the beloved. Love transcends mere feelings; it is an action, a choice, and a commitment. It often involves placing another’s needs and interests above our own. Love is sacrificial, selfless, and unconditional.
Redemption is born from a sacrificial act of love. Consider this: if I were to sacrifice my life for my son, dying in his place, what could drive me to such an extreme if not love? Such a sacrifice could achieve various outcomes, such as freeing my son from captivity or inspiring others through the story of my death. However, these potential results would not be my reason for sacrificing myself. My motivation would be love. Similarly, Jesus’ death on the cross was driven by God’s love for us. Numerous outcomes resulted from the cross, such as the forgiveness of sins, but these were consequences, not the primary force. The initiating power behind the action was love. Christ died for us simply because He loves us. Therefore, the Gospel should not be framed as “Christ died for you because you are a sinner,” but rather “Christ died for us to demonstrate His love for us, despite the fact we are all sinners.”
The Gospel fundamentally centers on love—not merely as a concept or theory, but as sacrificial love, intricately linked to the interplay between life and death. Redemption implies being bought back, set free, or liberated. Within the Hebrew-Jewish context, “salvation” connotes blessings and deliverance from evil.4 To bless, save, redeem, or deliver someone, a sacrifice must be made in exchange. This sacrifice could range from something as modest as time or comfort to something as substantial as wealth or a kidney. For example, if I pay off a friend’s loan because they cannot afford it, I am using my resources to free them from their financial burden. Redemption always comes at a cost; nothing is truly free.
Conclusion
In conclusion, love—or biblical love—can logically be defined by three fundamental elements: Intimacy and safety, free will, and sacrifice. Intimacy brings us closer to understanding, caring, and protecting others, transcending mere physical presence. Free will underscores the voluntary nature of love, ensuring that it is a choice rather than a compulsion or fear-driven. Lastly, sacrifice reflects the depth of commitment and the willingness to give up things that are important to us for the well-being of another. Together, these elements form a robust framework that logically characterizes true biblical love.
This article is taken from the book, “The Theology of Love: Christianity’s Most Underrated Doctrine.“
- E.g., Genesis 2:17; Deuteronomy 6:5; Deuteronomy 30:19; Isaiah 55:6; Jeremiah 29:12; Joshua 24:15; Mark 8:34; Acts 17:26-27; Romans 10:9. ↩︎
- Here, for example, is the opening line of the famous sermon that shaped reformed and Evangelical Christianity: “The God that holds you over the pit of hell, much as one holds a spider or some loathsome insect over the fire, abhors you, and is dreadfully provoked. His wrath towards you burns like fire; he looks upon you as worthy of nothing else but to be cast into the fire. He is of purer eyes than to bear you in his sight; you are ten thousand times as abominable in his eyes as the most hateful, venomous serpent is in ours.” (“Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God,” a sermon written and preached by Jonathan Edwards in 1741.)
Likewise, R.C. Sproul, a famous reformed (Calvinist) theologian, preached: “We always say the Cliché, ‘God Hates the sin, but he loves the sinner.’ That’s nonsense! The Bible speaks of Him abhorring us, and that we’re loathsome in His sight, and He can’t stand to even look at us.“ (R.C. Sproul, “The Hatred of God,” Aug 12, 2019.)
In his sermon “God Hates the Sin and the Sinner,” Reformed Pastor Tim Conway explains how he views the gospel: “What Scripture tells us is that all of mankind are children of wrath. We are objects of the hatred of God by nature. We don’t deserve His love… God is not unjust to hate mankind. Because mankind is a hateful thing by nature. It ought to be hated.” (Tim Conway, “God Hates the Sin and the Sinner,” Sep 18, 2018). ↩︎ - Helen Fisher, “Why we love, why we cheat.” 2006 TED ↩︎
- In the Hebrew Scriptures, salvation has nothing to do with the concept of ‘hell.’ Rather, it means ‘blessings’ and ‘deliverance.’ For instance, Exodus 14:13-14; Psalm 27:1; Psalm 37:39-40; Isaiah 12:2-3; Jeremiah 30:10-11. For further discussion, see my book “HELL: A Jewish Perspective on a Christian Doctrine” ↩︎
